I have been sitting on the idea of being “unoffendable” – deflecting, gravitating above, overlooking, overcoming an offense and supposedly reaching a superhuman state, complete in your joy and maturity. Of course it sounds absurd written out like that, at least to me and especially when I consider the number of times I have taken offense from someone who said something or did something I deemed offensive, or even been offended by someone’s inaction. Regardless of your age, social status, common sense and spiritual maturity, you are pretty much offendable and you are probably familiar with this truth. You also probably have ideas and practices on what to do when you have taken offense. If your ideas and practices are heavily focused on how to protect yourself from offense for the purpose of proving maturity to yourself and/or other people and sustaining joy, I wonder if that is how you start relating to other people that have taken offense from you. That, if you offend someone, your response to that is that they did not do the work to protect themselves, and that they are not mature enough. If you relate to this to some extent, I would like you to imagine being on the other side of offense – offending and hurting someone. While at it, I would like you to consider a different language around it – instead of saying “someone took offense when I said this or did that”, say “I gave an offense”. When someone “took offense” from you, the language almost suggests that it is only up to that person to deal with that offense. Although it is true to some extent, the language does not help much when you find yourself on the other side of offense and when you have to extend grace and apologies. The understanding that you have “given offense” is the understanding that someone “took offense” because they felt unappreciated, insignificant, undervalued and unseen. Someone “taking offense” from you is their way of telling you that you have not loved them the way they need to be loved and you have not listened closely and intently enough. With a changed language then, you possibly move away from being offended yourself when someone felt offended by you, and you move away from defence to fostering love in your relationships, friendships and kinships. _________________________________________________________ "Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends." - Proverbs 17:9 NIV _________________________________________________________ With a changed language that you have “given offense”, you are less tempted to apologize from strength (“I am sorry if you feel offended”, “I only meant it this way”) and you understand that your apology is only the beginning. The essence of your apology is in the changed behaviour, working at loving your mate the way they need to be loved. There is nothing more romantic and friendly than an apology coupled with changed behaviour.
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Rea Zwane"I am just trying to live it up with a big God" Archives
April 2022
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